The Magickal World of Hobbs

Life Goes On:)

2005-07-12T11:49:33Z

So the computer problem has been addressed thanks to my beloved,and I can now return to writing about the simple things in my life:)its been a roller coaster of late,trying to juggle life alone,raising the kids,dealing with a painful ex,who will always try to make my life painful at every opportunity he can seize.He has in the last few days moved in with a new girlfriend,thats hes only known for probably six weeks,amazing.While that doesn't phase me,what concerns me still I guess and always will,is he's complete selfishness were his kids are concerned,him being the total unconscious human that he is, he still totally thinks of himself,and 'his life',barely seeing or including his children in his and this is painfully reflected in the kids thoughts of him on a constant basis.
Anyway enough of him,what has remainded unshakeable is my relationship with my beloved,if possible I love and adore him more everyday,though with his work commitments and the distance between were we both live,it is difficult at times:( with us probably getting to see each other at least once a week,and on good weeks,a few days at a time:)I miss him dreadfully,then I also take comfort as painful as it is that this time is still a growing curve,a period of easing into a different life with a new partner.It is a test,a huge one,especially when I already have an existing family,and having the patience to wait for our to separate worlds to slowly merge together.
My beloved is building our circle,our Magickal space up the back,I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of work he has done and he has done it all alone.This is were we plan to be handfasted next year on a full moon date,to be able to commit our lives together as a Magickal couple is something that melts my heart.To have found a love on such a profound level blows me away.It was never a impacting oh I'm so in love,it has been something that has slowly unfolded into a love of such depth,that nothing equals it and I feel so fortunate to have found it in this lifetime:)

How often do people make love/have sex I wonder,mmm

2005-04-13T14:51:32Z

Goddamm how exciting,live journal has let me update,how bloody frustrating it's been,lol,though I honestly think its the virus in the computer that has'nt let me access it,which consequently has left me high and dry and unable to write anything,so thought I would give it a try tonight and it's all systems go.
So considering I haven't made an entry for over a month,well a great deal has happened though I won't bore myself with all the sordid details.I was 'stood up' tonight as my beloved one:)did an all nighter last evening on an on line game :( then slept all day-gee never been neglected for a game before-I do hear that at times they are highly addictive,so I sent him a lengthy email outlining all the yummy sexy things I would do to him next time I see him,lets see if that took his mind away from his game for a bit,lol.Why would anyone choose a game over love-making,damm no way that I would,I can tell you now! I'm often curious as to how often people have sex/make love,I know people talk about this from time to time but it would be interesting to see just how often people really do,I did'nt have sex for nearly three years,then just over twelve months ago things changed :)now I definitely could imagine making love all the time,no problem there at all,lol and no I'm not displaying addictive sexual behavior,lol,I'm just painfully in love and adore to have my beloved staring deep into my eyes and loving me.........yum........

What a Week!

2005-03-04T13:34:52Z

Well what a week that was-phew thank god thats over-he left,I cleansed the home and my beloved stayed overnight and met the whole family,lol,daunting I can tell you,felt like I was walking on eggshells here and there making sure everyone felt okay,now I'm exhausted-mentally.Not to mention the extreme gentle love making that was made in my beautiful bedroom,it is decorated in a moulin rouge style,lots of crimson,magenta,erotic art,candles,oils burning,all my Magickal'stuff',books,tarot,wand,ceremonial bits and pieces,just to name a few.It's the type of room that screams for deep passionate love making to be experienced and it was'nt until last night that it was used for that-finally!I miss him so much already,not fair but then I must face reality that perhaps if we were together all the time we would'nt appreciate each other as much (hate to think that though).
After making huge life changes,I have applied to do a course that I have wanted to do for years,in writing and editing,I'm very excited about this,I love learning and study I thrive on it.So I'm setting up long term goals for myself,and I'm looking forward to the journey!

My Last Say

2005-02-25T15:07:37Z

I'm on here tonight because I wanted to put in LJ the letter I wrote to S,I guess it sums everything up for me-from the heart and total honesty on my part

So as I sit here, I'm so genuine in saying that I'm grieving 'us',truly always believe S that this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my whole life.As surprising as it may seem to you-I do regret the loss of us.I loved you so unconditionally for so many years,I tolerated your bloody arrogance when no one else did,not even my own family could stand the way you were,and hated to see me in constant emotional pain,no one could understand why I stayed.But you still held a spark for me,I guess I always wanted to believe in you,I loved you,I was so in love with you on the day we got married,you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I know you don't believe that,but I have just felt so much pain in this relationship,no one can ever know the pain I have felt,really raw horrible gut wrenching pain,I don't care what any one says I have experienced that pain and I know how it feels,it's as fresh to me as if it was merely yesterday.I so hated you being with other women,it tore at my soul,I could never understand why you did that to me,I wanted to always love you and only you-please believe that-all I ever wanted was to be with you and to solely have your love.I hear songs that remind me f you and I,and it will always hurt,I loved you,I always loved you so much.
I grieve us to because I hate change,I always have,but stagnation is unhealthy and I refuse to feed an unhealthy relationship anymore,it's not doing you and I any good at all-it's not good for the soul.
I'm crying now but I would never want you to see that,because you would use that against me,unfortunately you have always known how to push my buttons,you always have,you and what you do best and that was to be the master of control,but that's okay I accept that it's a part of your personality now,if that's how you want to be well that doesn't have to be further pain for me anymore,I acknowledge so many things now,that's why this can't go on.There is so many things I want to say,but perhaps some things are better left unsaid,we will never know.
I can only speak from the heart,its what I try to do best,people can call me manipulative and a bitch (from people I would'nt have expected anything more from really-because hey that's their unconscious mentality,and I'm sticking to it,I feel desperately sorry for these people in your life S who only ever seem to thrive on other people's misfortunes-never assuming that they don't have the right to judge another human being's choices and at a guess only come from that place because they like to criticize and belittle other's life choices,because really deep down they don;t have the fuckin guts to get on with their own lives,and be true to themselves-I can only pity them).
I never intentionally set out to hurt you,I have told you before that I don't hate you,everything has just evolved to this point,as much as what you want to believe otherwise.
We have spent the last seventeen years together,that's almost half of our lifetime,that's a history,something that no one can take away from us,all those memories-good and bad-and we have been through every test,I guess we both should give ourselves a pat on the back for actually enduring as much as what we have,pretty incredible when you think about it.
Don't think I will ever forget your Mum passing away,the pain is as real now as it was for us then.I still grieve for her and her life that seemed so unhappy.I felt so sad that she was gone,but I guess I was mainly sad that you had lost your Mum,then your Nan and your Dad,it was all such a painful time for us all.
I have had my four beautiful children to you and of course you took on B,the births of our children such precious memories for me,as much as what I know you did'nt care at the time or bother (I really think it probably was'nt until H 's birth that you finally may have grasped the intensity of the experience).Because as you told me that after I had V you went and had sex with something,so sorry S it sort of takes any respect away from an experience that should be a shared and sacred bonding between a husband and wife,so sad all these hurts.
Our beautiful children who have turned out to be wonderful human beings,it all comes into play now at this time of our lives,when we can both look with joy at our children and be in awe at just how conscious they are and will continue to be,as they carve their paths in this lifetime.Goddess's willing they will learn by our mistakes and experience love and totally fulfilling relationships in their futures.We are their teachers and we are certainly not teaching them by staying in a dysfunctional relationship.Out of this painful experience comes their growth and ultimately ours as well.
I wish love for you S,I wish for you happiness and I do truly mean that,we could'nt ultimately do it for each other,so now we can go and learn by our mistakes and give all to the next one,and I undoubtedly know that you will.You have learnt something I know that,it pains me to know it won't be with each other,but that is the process for growth in this lifetime.
You know deep deep down that this isn't about anyone else's opinion's,you do know in your soul the truth's of you and I,just as I do,no one else has had these experiences,it's been our life paths together,we have shared that and I know I will honor it for the good and the bad of it until I pass from this realm,if I did'nt acknowledge this-well I'm not being true to myself and my growth.
I thank you for sharing this part of my journey in this lifetime,there will always be a part of me somewhere that will love you,even though it's been painful,love can still remain in the heart.Though regrettably it's not the love that can sustain us in this relationship,the depth just is'nt there S and you know that.
I thank you for the experiences I have been through with you,though more than anything I thank you for my children,the part of us both that will continue on in this lifetime and beyond,with hopefully grandchildren and great grandchildren,so we can still be a Nan and Pop,just not together and that's okay too.
Well I'm down to the last record,the one that will always remind me of you-Peter Frampton-may both our futures bring us sweet peace and happiness,in this next chapter of our lives,I'm so sorry it could never have been a complete whole-I will always be sorry for that S.
Please let us in the future always talk from our hearts,let us be amicable friends,I truly want this,it would such a waste of energy if we were nasty to each other.Let wisdom guide us and above all-love lead the way.
Maybe in the future we can respect the things that did'nt happen in our marriage-to be friends and to encompass a love,trust and respect toward each other as human beings,if we can't do this for ourselves,well at least let's make the effort for our children.

So that was my feelings,I could'nt be more brutally honest here,this is what I feel,he will really be gone tomorrow,and hence my new life will start....................

Near to Freedom!

2005-02-25T05:58:37Z

I feel on edge when I woke this morning and felt dread, the fear was there,I could taste it, the fear of enormous change in my life. Then by this afternoon, I can feel in the breeze the sweet call of freedom, release from this long painful relationship. I went out on the back veranda and called forth the wild woman in me,I felt my eyes darken,I called out from within,the brave strong Witch woman in me, who is tingling with anticipation of being 'one'.I can now do what the fuck I want I can stand naked under the full moon,make my house even more spiritual,I felt so excited then,I felt release.I even tapped into sexual energy,I felt like fucking the universe,lol,I can have my pagan/witch friends here now without looking over my shoulder to disapproving eyes-yes!!!!!!
Whenever fear has arisen in the last few weeks I have instantly pushed it aside,I'm so over fear,it has ruled my life for way to many years,this time I feel the power, the power of completely letting go and letting the cosmos guide me,the moon's energy last night was wicked,so clear and bright,the light piercing my body and soul,leading me to fresh promise.
I'm so tired of people(mundane dickheads)that have said to S that we should stay together for the kids,stay together just because-this is the problem here,everyone lives miserable fuckin existences and buries their issues deeper into their bodies,resulting in sickness and grief,this fuckin society has a lot to answer for.
I haven't heard much from my love at all, I don't know if he is going through the thick of it,in deep with grief with his mum's passing.This is probably a good thing for me anyway,I don't want to have to be dependent on him emotionally with this trying time in my life.As much as what I want to hear from him-(simply because I love him sooo deeply:)but I realize this is my deal and I have to get through it.I have to take it head on myself without being needy toward him. Our relationship is still weird like that,this is the man who I have pledged myself to and him to me,but sometimes it feels as though we have two different worlds,sometimes I feel like the idea of us is still to much for him. Now with S gone,does he feel under pressure now that we will end up seeing much more of each other,interesting times ahead.
Back later!

Quick Chat

2005-02-24T04:13:13Z

Well things are winding up, tomorrow is S moving out day, he has organized everything for himself Im sure he will be just fine-he pleads that he is going to hate it, but I know him and he will relish it.He really is a selfish human and will take nicely to only having to think for himself. He just better not let the kids down,he has up till this point and I would be so disappointed if he continued to only be consumed by himself and not giving a thought to my beautiful children-they don't deserve it-we can only hope for miracles :)
Haven't heard from my beloved much,I know he's working but I wonder how he is going over mourning his Mum's sudden passing,it is so horrible I just want to hold him and tell him it will be okay.I would hate for him to shut me out,I think I would go off the deep end, not to have his beautiful energy and love near me.
Oh it's been an amazing last few months, I still can't get over it,I wrote S a three page letter last night,just to let him know how I truly feel,he probably won't take much notice,but I can only try.
Anyway must fly,back soon........
Ps Did the first public full moon ritual last night,I thought it went wonderfully well,it's so good to see people making an effort for our future growth,it's a great feeling,though must remember the insect repellent next time-the mozzies were hideous!!

The Perfect Moment !!

2005-02-20T13:05:11Z

Well thank goodness no one reads my entries as I just can't stop talking about the ecstasy I feel when making love with my beloved,after our last encounter,I was brushing the grass and twigs out of my hair as I had-(as I said to him after the event),just been 'fucked'outside on a divine warm balmy night under the stars and a gum tree! But I quickly said to him that I did'nt really like using words like that to describe what we do,not that I'm impartial to dirty sex words,it's just that with us it truly is 'making love' in every sense of the word,and if I was to use those words it would just seem to cheapen our experiences,as what we go through is truly a sacred and profound,mind blowing,pure love-sigh!
It all started in the car on the way to a friend's house,I was driving and his hands started wandering between my legs,very hard to keep focus I might add :)after experiencing this for about fifteen minutes I was so aroused,even as he said my eyes started to glow!Oh he knows me well,then we pick up his friend and go to the cinema,well I don't remember much of the movie,as he sat there for the duration of the movie (about an hour and a half!) and proceeded to stroke me between the legs through the pants I was wearing (damm should have worn a skirt :(,lol,it was non-stop,he did'nt stop apart from once to have a drink.......I was sooo turned on,and he was doing it so discreetly,I was a quivering mess,I felt like I quietly came at least twice,amazing since there was no real direct touching (only through my clothing),but I was at that place that he has now mastered in taking me to- 'the zone',lol.I told him in there that I wanted him so bad,and he just was so in control,which added to my turning into this wild Aphrodite,full of lust and desire,lol,soo we walk out of the cinema,I just said how can you do that to me!!!! his reply simply was,lol,-"because you like it" :):):)lol.
He said my scent was driving him wild,fuck that turned me on,so I kissed him so passionately-yum,yum.
So dropped his friend home,then stayed there for a few hours with more sensual exchanges here and there,kissing on the couch,by this time I figure I had been put into a state of high arousal by him for a duration of at least six hours,no wonder I was so turned on.
When we left I got in the car and turned wild I could'nt stop kissing him so fuckin passionately,I was so full of passion and lust and he was too,I asked were could we go,I was so desperate by this stage to have him inside of me.So he suggested we go down the road a bit to this park,got there and picked a spot near a beautiful big gum tree,soon stripped and fuckin died and went to heaven (well bloody somewhere-just had to use the Christian term,lol)he went down on me and slipped his fingers into me,and I just lost it,lol,then he got up looked at me and I kissed his gorgeous wet mouth which tasted of myself,it was so raw and pure,then he slid into me and I was there in that place,that divine other realm where I'm not part of here.I felt at one with everything around me the trees,the sky,stars,even the crackling leaves and twigs beneath me,at one with my beloved,at one with the universe,all together oneness:):):) oh how I love that place :):):)every fiber of me tingling in ripples of connection,I want to know how many other people have this experience,its just not sex,it's so not,I know I keep repeating myself but it's so true.
After pleasing me I asked him to lie on his back and I took his gorgeous cock in my mouth but he felt so sensitive I had to stop,but it was sooo nice.We got dressed and I sat behind him on the ground and put my arms fully around him,kissing his head and back of his neck,he put my shoes on (mmm even that was sensual in itself)so we just stayed there,with my arms wrapped around him,sitting behind him loving him,I just looked out at the night,though it was quite light,dawn was not far around the corner,and I just said that it was a perfect moment,I could cry at the memory,but it was,it was a perfect moment,and I reaffirmed in my head that yes I want to stay with this man for the rest of my life,my beautiful sensual divine lover,a gift from the Goddess herself!!!!!!
So had to write this experience down it's too special to not make a note of it:):):)

My Tower!!!

2005-02-19T14:07:13Z

Another few tedious weeks,the reason as to why I haven't written in here for a long time.It all started over a week ago (when my tower started coming down) when I was about to buy my new car,on the Thursday afternoon went looking for a new car had been searching for a couple of weeks,so finally find a decent one,and just before the car dealer was about to close I said yes I would buy it,off to a good start (or so I thought:).So then after that off to the supermarket to do the weekly shopping,go to pay (I would have normally gone to the bank first to get money out),then go to pay for the shopping on efptos and she said that the bank said insufficient funds,I knew that there was indeed enough money in there,so I asked her to try it again,no luck.So head to the bank,got a read out,and it did'nt have anything written on it,so then went to another bank,and the print out said it was missing nearly five hundred dollars,got home phoned the bank,and apparently the bank computers had a major crash and the bank had accidently taken the shopping money times to.So they advised going to the bank the next day and filling out a claims form.
So its in S name so I had to go and get him twenty minutes away to bring him back here and take him to the bank,he goes in and subsequently finds out that the computer has fixed the error and the money was back in-ahhhhh-so take him back to work.Then I had to come back and wait for the washing machine guy to come back to fix it(it ended up being a sock stuck in front of the pipe!!!) and I also had to wait for the finance company to phone back saying when I could go in.So get a call saying I had half an hour to get to this place and pick up the papers so S could sign them and I would take them back the next morning.When I arrived home I came inside and L said who's taking the car as she's looking out the kitchen window,I said no-one........I had forgotten to put the handbrake on and the old car run into the side fence,lucky no major damage!
So then later D goes to use the phone and discovers its dead,so I go and phone Telstra had seven o clock at night and they aid it could take up to six days to get it fixed!!!!So while I'm thinking it doesn't get much worse than this,lol,the next morning when I go to the finance office it turned out S had'nt signed the papers,I was so embrassed.So go to phone him and hes over half an hour away,soooo go get him to sign the papers,then back,A is here to take me to get the car and I go to the car yard and when we go to leave he could'nt find the keys,lol,forty minutes later,lol,he finally worked out that someone had accidently moved the keys and he said he would drop the keys off at home with my car,which he did later-sigh.
So then I have had a really peaceful afternoon,but the no phone thing was really pissing me off,as I sit here and write I wish it was this time last week,late Saturday night,because I was meeting with my beloved at five to spend the night with him,so at least this was something wonderful happening after my days of stress.I knew he was going to get a motel room which was a first for us,when we met at the pub,he got out of his car and presented me with a beautiful bunch of red roses,I have never been given them before :) so then we had a hot moment in the carpark with him touching me sliding his fingers over and in to me-sigh- all in broad daylight,mmm yum so hot,so we found a beautiful room that had a spa and a round bed :) and spent a gorgeous night to together.We went and got take-away and ate back at the room.
So next morning said our goodbyes,as he had to get back to see how his Mum was as she had been taken to hospital.Anyway later after lunch I missed a phone call on my mobile and you know I had this weird feeling it was him,anyway I missed that one as his number always comes up as a private number,then when I was at Kim's later he phoned again and it was him telling me that the doctors said she only had four hours to live,and that it was totally unexpected,oh it was the most horrible time,I told him that if he needed me to call straight away.So then I did'nt hear from him until the next morning at six telling me that his Mum had passed away that morning -Valentines Day 2005-she was only fifty-eight,I asked him did he want me to come over and he said he did.
I ended up getting to him at about three that afternoon,after taking D to book in for his learners permit,and trying to find out why my back indicator was'nt working on the car,turned out after much stuffing around that the of all things the globe had fallen out of it's socket????? fluke the mechanic said,and said he had never seen that before,unbelievable,so that held me up for three hours.It was so frustrating as all I wanted to do was to get to my poor baby,he was in pain :( so I finally got there he was so upset,he's father answered the door and greeted me with open arms,then I met his sister and she was wonderful saying how much there Mum thought I was absolutely fantastic (as I had met her a couple of months earlier when J introduced her to me-thank goodness-I'm so happy I at least had met her:)
Then I sat with my man until well into the night,sharing in his grief,I wanted to crawl inside him and make it all better,my poor baby in so much pain,I felt so sad.
So I'm nearly at the end of this unbelievable story,the funeral was held yesterday and I spent the whole day with my beloved,it was a beautiful service,there was a lot of people there I believe she was a much loved and respected woman.I met a lot of the family which considering I had only met his Dad a few days before it did feel a little odd,though I'm tough and can handle it :) and they were all so very welcoming,making me feel very comfortable.At the funeral they had many photos on display that I found really interesting to look at,seeing my beloved's family at various stages in their lives.
Then as an added footnote,S had found a place to live and is moving out next Friday,more tower coming,just in closing this has been the most amazing last few days and I really had to write this,because I'm sure I will look back and thing how the hell did I get through that-sigh......................the tower,mmmmmm...

My Feelings for My Love

2005-02-09T03:39:07Z

Your beautiful lips kissing me over and over,so sensual,so soft,so incredibly soft my love,light feather kisses blessing my mouth,filling me with desire through my whole body,my whole being feels on fire,every part of me tingles with anticipation of what will come,I cannot comprehend how exquisite your kisses are,I'm so in love with you,I could kiss you forever my lover,your tongue tracing my lips,my hands want to feel your face,touch you,smell you,adore you.I now know love and have experienced it-sigh-true pure love,undemanding sensual soul connection,unending love making,no beginning and no end,every kiss does feel like the first time!
You gently move my legs apart,even that small gesture is so sensual to me,I feel everything,my senses are so heightened to every touch you bestow upon me,I'm so wet in anticipation of your beautiful fingers sliding into me,pleasuring me,stroking me,filling me up,oh my love the desire I feel when you do this to me,my breathing quickens even further,as you increase your pace,driving me to ecstasy,wave over wave of the most delicious sensations flowing through my body,it's soo electrifying that it's beyond comprehension,to have my adored lover,sitting over me looking deep into my eyes,deep into the space beyond time and reason,to the deepest recesses of my soul,oh how I love you right now,there is just no words to define it.It takes me over the edge of reason,it's not a place I had ever been to until you took me there,you have opened me up to loving again,treating me like a princess with your caressing of me,you sense I will go over the edge,when I do its mind spinning,how can another human being love another so? With my peak comes further intense pleasure,not just once,you just continue to pleasure me further,challenging me into further ecstasy,one orgasm following another-is this possible? with your loving yes!Rush after rush of energy flowing through me,it's just divine,I at that moment do not feel a part of this realm,you have taken me beyond,beyond this place of logic....................

I ache for you to be inside of me,it's where we are meant to be,in complete oneness with each other,you guide yourself into me,I love the feel of you doing this,your my God and your taking control of loving your Goddess,we are there in that place,in that infinite place of blissful pure ecstasy,there is no comprehension of this feeling my love,its where I live and die to be,with you inside of me,right in that moment,those precious timeless minutes of pure intensity and divine love-I Love You-I Love You So Much My Love.Every part of you is now at one with me,soul,body and mind,I'm so full of desire for you,my entire body is tingling,I have told you before I feel as though you have turned me inside out,every touch is magnified a thousand fold,when you come it feels like my gift,you have loved me and taken yourself over the edge of ecstasty in pleasuring me,how loved do I feel:)it takes forever to ground,if we at all ever do!Perhaps that's why we continue to make love and feel each other's love sooo deeply even when we are not together,we are forever and continually making love on the astral plane:)
With every breath I take until I die I will love you forever,I know that our union has been blessed by the Gods and Goddesses,my heart overflows with pure love for you that I know I will never experience again in this lifetime,in perfect love and perfect trust I will eternally love you,my beautiful beautiful soul mate,my husband to be,my witch man,my partner for life,my sensual lover,my very own God :)
Ps My eyes are glowing now!

Underworld Journey

2005-02-07T01:22:19Z

Well it seems some days I go forward with S then two steps back :( he's still leaving but then he says I'm breaking up the family,it's because of Witchcraft and sex,well I suppose that contributes to the reason I want out of this marriage,but he he so in denial,he forgets his infidelities of the past seventeen years and his other addictions.It's so unfair he just tosses it aside and says it's the past,that is such a cop out,I have told him that if I felt he was genuinely sorry for his past actions then I would be the first person to let him know.So yes the latest Witchcraft-I did point out to him that I have been on my path for the last decade,I know he's grasping at straws and he knows the truth,but it drags my energy down,so draining.
I have said to myself that he will be out by May,I'm manifesting that one,I will be forty on the 11th of that month,I will have been to Euphoria and I figure it will be a huge growing time for me,I already feel as though I'm beginning to make the descent into my inner/underworld journey.Quite timely seeing as we just celebrated Lammas a few days ago,and of course it's the God's descent into the underworld,I guess I will be journeying with him,this time around:)
My beloved is as supportive as ever,I know my path is with him and I cannot wait for that time to arrive,but I know I have to go through this shit to get to the other side:)a process,thats all,it's just a process:)

Life -Changing Times!

2005-02-04T11:32:53Z

Well hello,its been awhile since I have been around,soooo much has happened since my last entry it's been crazy! After my beloved asked me to handfast with him,I told S that it was over for good,and that my relationship had gone to a deeper level with my beloved,and he has to leave.Well obviously it must have finally sunk in,he is looking for a unit and is making plans to get furniture etc.Its hard emotionally but then any change is difficult,its not meant to be easy,it's just as hard on me as I still feel guilt for breaking up the family unit-as dysfunctional as it is between S and I.
Then I also had the pregnancy scare,my period was five days late(ended up getting it on the night of the January Full Moon),I told J from the beginning what was going on,all I can say it was such an intense five days,but J was my pillar through it all,he was so supportive,so loving,I could'nt believe the emotions of those few days,the what ifs,when I finally saw J last Friday after all this it was amazing.We spent a beautiful night together talking and making divine love.After leaving we could'nt fathom the intensity of our love-making experiences,just going to a deeper level every time,absolutely blows your mind,actually there is no words to describe it,we have both concluded it cannot be put into words really:)we don't even do anything apart from make love,but the profoundity of it tells me its definitely soul stuff.I did find on the internet an article which I might put in here if I get he time,it describes spritual love-making,which nearly hits the nail on the head,lol.
I sooo look forward to our lives together,it will be bliss to spend my life with him,I know I'm making the right decision,I know it will be difficult at times,with me having the children but I know it will work out in the end,well not the end but during the process:)there's really no 'ends',just ongoing cycles :)
I have been accused by S that it's the Witchcraft that has driven a wedge between us,lol,got to have something to blame I suppose,I did point out that I have followed my path for over the last ten years,and his reply was 'well I've only just noticed'????????? thats what I deal with.
Anyway looking ahead its not going to be easy BUT the change has to come,and I feel ready to leap off that cliff flying out into the broad horizon ready to take on anything:) and with my beautiful future life partner whom I adore and deeply love I know I will be safe and blissfully happy:) he shows me so much trust,affection,respect and deep pure love that it blows your mind,honestly this is the stuff of fairy tales,we are sooo in love,he told me that if our love was to die he would soon follow:( and I feel the same,I can't imagine not having my love in my life now,thats it:)
So after my ramblings I should sign off,got to get some much needed sleep:)

You Will Never Guess!!

2005-01-16T03:25:55Z

Well I went away-ahhhhhhhhh-
my love asked me if I wanted to be HANDFASTED with him in the future-
ahhhhhh-
I think its sinking in about now:)
when he asked me I think I nearly fell off the chair:)
I'm sooooo in love with him,once again we spent a beautiful passionate night in a very special place that holds a very special place in my heart.
After he asked me about being handfasted (a Pagan marriage:) I simply said that I know I will never meet anyone else in this lifetime that I would love as much as I love him and he said that he feels the same for himself as well.
I think I might go-my grin is too wide,I finally have my Witch Man,thank you Goddess,I have been asking for the Goddess to send him to me(whoever he may be)for about eight years now,lol,Magick does work even if it takes a long time:)though I can see other things had to work out in my life before I could get to this stage.

Shall I Go????

2005-01-14T13:02:18Z

Mmmm,Friday night,boring Friday night :) I could be with my beloved,who is in the country two hours away,I could be there to,he said that he wishes I was coming up there as well,so I hear you say why am I sitting here??? Well I just thought perhaps he wanted to go on his own :)so I did'nt make any plans to go :(
He is there until Sunday-I could go up tomorrow?????? spend the day perhaps :):)what would you do?? he sent me the sweetest love letter full of things we could passionately get up to,turned me on so much,I want to be with him NOW.
Perhaps I will go up tomorrow,I suppose the only thing is its scary to drive that far,though I have driven two and a half hours to Mt Franklin?hmmm talking myself into it.We will see what happens,here's an extract of gorgeous words he said to me-
"perhaps we could treat ourselves to extreme love making-----perhaps gentle caresses,while you bite your bottom lip to stifle the cries of pleasure that seek their way out into the world,you should'nt entrap them so,for nothing thrills me more than to have the passion of our love expressed as sounds of pure pleasure,language of the loved"
I could moan at the thought of remembering the ecstasy that he makes me feel,it's too much :)We are going to Euphoria together-that is going to be huge,I was prepared to go alone,though going with my beloved adds a whole different concept into the mix,it will be an experience to be remembered for life!
Life for me at the moment is still very strange,I could relate my experiences in the last few days with my mundane life though I think I will leave that for another post,too much to say,but say it I will,as I feel I need to talk about it.
Well I guess I will sign off,getting rather sleepy and you never know I might have a little drive tomorrow (wink)-keep you posted on what transpires!

Change is Good:)

2005-01-11T02:47:03Z

Quick entry :)not much happening really,cleaning as usual-yuck-the bane of my existence,oh well it has to be done.I want to put the xmas stuff away,so I will try and do that before the day is out,its a really hot Melbourne day-37 degrees! and my daughter just asked could she go to the beach-I personally could'nt think of anything worse,especially in the middle of the bloody day.
She has been blessed with lovely darker skin,where I have pale skin so obviously the sun and mI do not mix:)I was talking to my sister-in-law before we have so many birthdays coming up,her 40th,then my 40th in May,her two sons,ones four the other eighteen,then my son has his 21st in March-its going to be a big year:)
I have all my friends coming to my birthday,even my friends from interstate,so its going to be huge,I must say I'm quite looking forward to it.
Had a strange moment with the husband this morning,I think he has finally let 'us' go,he will still hang around for a bit,but he told me he is ready to move on,even phoned his sister(when I was on the phone to her actually)to tell her,so that is a good sign of acceptance,he has been in such denial.I still don't hate him,I suppose I feel sad,and the process of it finally being final will be a huge adjustment,for everybody concerned.But the time has come he needs to find someone else and move on,someone that he can get his affection from,end of an era,but I still have to remind myself that change is good:)

Quick Chat

2005-01-09T04:02:29Z

Stayed up to a stupid hour this morning,though it was good to talk to my oldest son,we don't get that chance often:)I have heard from my beloved today :):) he wrote the sweetest of letters,enough to make me melt and cry all at the same time.F*** I love him,its too good,he wished he was next to me so we could share further experiences together:)here is what he told me-
"Wednesday was just so Magickal,it really was the first time I felt totally relaxed and could spend the time making the sweetest of love I could express,wow you drive me wild,I'm so in love with you,I can't stop thinking about the beauty and magic of your climaxes the gentleness of your kisses,I so wish you were here then I would'nt have to struggle to put into words what transcends language and live in feeling only.O how the human race has denied themselves the beauty of wild abandoment in the un-inhibited embrace of love's true language,indeed how well you speak it's vowels and consonants,it inspires me to go deeper,to reach new levels of ecstasy,I want so much to enjoy this magic in nature,on a quiet riverbank,in a pool of water,on the grassy hills and my warm bed or the hot summer nights by the sea,a grove of ferns,yummmmm,I best let you go while both of us still can"
I'm speechless............
No I'm not only joking???was momentarily though lol,I love him,I love him,I love him:)
I also learnt something else last night,that left me shocked for a moment,my daughter told me she had lost her virginity,as I said pretty much speechless for a second,but quickly re-assured her that I really appreciated her honesty with me,I find that so wonderful that she respects me that much to tell me :)still feels weird though,when my oldest son told he had sex for the first time (about four yrs ago now)I felt differently than know,when it's your daughter the feeling for some reason is different-strange,but she is still my baby,all my children are still my babies:).
All I ever hoped for was that her first experience was with someone she cared about,and she has been with T for awhile now,and he really is a nice young man.So yes life is unfolding for her,she is on her path though,she's so smart,so much smarter than I was at that age,I tell you the wisdom that comes from her mouth is amazing:)
So on that note best go do something-oh I know bloody housework :(

Spiritual and Sexual Connection

2005-01-07T16:28:52Z

This xmas holiday thing is not good :) as I find myself on the computer into the wee hours,then stuffing my sleep patterns up lol.Well guess it will be over before I know it and the kids will be back at school.My mind is still consumed by everything that has occurred in the last couple of days-sometimes I feel like I'm living two lives-which I'm not at all comfortable with,my life here at home,and my existence when I'm with my beloved-its all quite strange and surreal.Though sometimes lately to me it feels like those two worlds are more slipping toward each other-if that makes any sense.This is when I wonder if something will happen that will tip everything into one,weird feelings.
I still cannot get out of my mind our lovemaking,it consumes my mind,still trying to understand the intensity of it all.It is so connected-I'm sure its not just the feelings you have if you are really in love with someone.One of the most delicious moment's was when I he and I had drifted off to light sleep and I was lying on my stomach,when I awoke to beautiful light feathery kisses on my mouth,with his hands stroking my back,all down my spine,until he reached down between my legs and started pleasuring me from behind,this was one of the most sexiest and pleasurable feelings I have ever had.To be awoken this way is divine,we had probably only finished making love half an hour before :)then he starts me off again,too spoilt! Perhaps that is it- when you are so in love with someone,divinely connected and in love,then practice making love from a spiritual perspective you experience the divine.There is no way you could experience this with someone that you don't have the strongest feelings for,I'm quite convinced of this.I feel as though he has awoken me to a higher orgasmic level,I feel like I'm peaking towards feeling totally sexual most of my waking day.I find I'm pleasuring myself daily thinking of our lovemaking,usually I would have done this probably once a week before in the last few years.Obviously I felt more connected sexually when I was in my twenties,though it was just raw physical feelings with not much of the divine attached.
When we make love I always imagine he is the representation of the God in all his diviness,raw,tender,beautifully masculine and hot,wanting,his gorgeous cock so eager and hard,its such a turn on,I love going down on him,I just love it sooo much,hearing his soft moaning as he comes,could this little face of the Goddess wish for anything more :):)
Then with my feeling of a constant high sexual plateau,when we find ourselves together it feels as though when we start to make love,we have just picked up were we left it last time (even if thats been two weeks or more),even though the times before ended in orgasms(or did'nt sometimes)it doesn't matter it just has this feeling of continuation,no beginning and no end,forever and constantly evolving :)imagine the energy play that is evident here,it's like being plugged into a socket that constantly surges every now and then lol,so powerful.Having said that I absolutely believe that the energy that could be used for Sex Magick is indeed very,very powerful stuff.
Then that would also play out in the normal energy between us,I can only guess that this energy is very strong as well,I was actually told by a very dear Witch friend of mine that when she sees J and I together,she has noticed how our energy is so amazing,when we are together she can see it,I thought that was a really beautiful thing to say.
The orgasm that I experienced that left me thinking "if I died right now,it would'nt matter"lol was like being on fire,my whole body was alight,my skin sensitive and tingling and it felt like one orgasm overlapped another-that's the bit that is so hard to explain,it was'nt just one orgasm,it was an ongoing multi orgasm,all rippling into the next one,over and over,and not just between my legs :) but all over my body,it was the most mind blowing thing I have ever experienced,as you can probably tell because I can't stop talking about it and my love did'nt miss a trick,I had obviously reached some sort of peak through my elevated breathing and he would have sensed this,though he just keeps pleasuring me with even more intensity and stroking than before,maybe this is why it happens-because he doesn't stop the stimulation,but keeps it going,and as I said with greater intensity every time,not stopping,thereby creating the orgasm over orgasm ripple effect.Anyway I'm probably just ranting on,I'm sure plenty of other people have experienced this sensation it would be wonderful to hear what their experiences were like :)then I would'nt mind betting that this type of orgasm is indeed a spiritual one,were you nearly leave behind the physical body and you transcend the mind,breaking through the veil,where your body breaks up into energy and almost takes you into the other world,because that type of feeling and emotion doesn't seem to belong here,your tripping on the edge of something else,absolutely :)
Anyway J has said that he would like to come to Euphoria this year,I do hope this transpires I just know that this would be perfect,it would be so beneficial to have a good friend that you could relate experiences to after the event,to be able to talk about it and know that the other person had been through a similar experience,regardless of how they individually experienced it themselves.
Guess I should sign off from my ramblings :)otherwise I will sit here trying to nit pick spiritual sex connection for another ten paragraphs lol!Though it's been worth writing all this down,I have my clarity now:) :)

Blissful Oneness!

2005-01-06T14:43:21Z

Well from the title of today's journal entry you would maybe have guessed that I spent the night with my beloved sweetheart!Made beautiful passionate spiritual love,and enjoyed each others company for many hours :)We were going to do a sex rite though run out of time I guess,we did a reading for each other,I wished I could remember the my tarot cards meaning's more,he is so good at reading the cards,I still would have to get in and really take study up on the different cards,I know the general meanings,though I'm not what you would consider a fluent speaker :( pretty hopeless actually lol and that is my downfall :(
So yes last night,I experienced the most mind blowing orgasm-it was once of those that effects your whole body,and it just kept on going-afterward I said I'm going to die now-thats how divine the experience was lol,and my beloved with his unconditional loving heart just keeps on pleasuring me,I can't believe the Goddess has given me such a beautiful rare diamond with my love-he is truly my 'God',I feel complete Goddess and God energy between us when we make love-its so good.
He gave me a xmas gift a beautiful,beautiful Sacred Dragon Amulet on a gorgeous silver chain,I love it so much-I told him I want to be buried in it!
Well best go I've had probably two hours sleep last night- all told-not good-but well worth it :)So thats it I'm off......:)

Blushing Words!

2005-01-04T14:25:36Z

Well I look forward to tomorrow,sorry change that- I can't wait for tomorrow,I will be seeing my beloved-well hopefully-damm car-its okay to drive,just not at night,as one head light is out and the dash lights.Indicators,radio and brake lights are working,so obviously that limits me for night time driving :(
I hope it all works out,it has too after receiving words for my beloved like this,who could'nt not want to just jump in the car and be there right this second :)
"You have tomorrow free? I wanted to catch up tomorrow,folks are away (wink)I've hardly thought about anything else but making love to you for the last couple of weeks I so want to lay with you again,feel the energy of your orgasm(s) the gentleness of your need and the passion of your love,dreaming of you,lots of love D"
I had to write that it here because I always want to hear those words,those beautiful 'blushing' words he said to me :)I love him sooo much,how could my mind be on anything but him in the last few hours since he sent me those words? When we make love it is so hard to describe,this is what I tried to communicate on an e-group in reply to someone who had written something that made such an impact on me-
"I'm fortunate to have a Magickal partner who I have experienced this with,as we are still in the early days of exploring our sexuality together (we have been close friends for five years,which turned into more:) though I would have to say we don't even have to try at this.Everytime it just evolves into this sacred exploration of each other that totally fills my heart center,I have had experience with sex over my time-and it just doesn't even come close to what we experience.It is truely divine,kissing forever,making love for hours,it just goes on and on,it seems there is no end,I could cry talking about it:) I think that is why its so hard to explain to anyone,its definately not just physical,no way,it is just so profound,I love what you said-"achieving blissful oneness" that really describes part of the feeling that is so hard to relate.So once again thank you!"
I will sign off now-sigh off :)

Creativity

2005-01-04T04:15:21Z

Just thought I would put a quick entry in,these holidays are proving to be so layed back,I haven't really had much motivation,lol,must be still recovering from the chaos that xmas can create :)Now I would like to clean and put xmas stuff away,then re-organize the house,I want to try and create a space were I can sew undisturbed,I can't stand when I get everything set up,then I have to put it all away because everyone wants to use the table-sigh-annoying.So yes I will do that soon,I have beautiful french doors that lead off my bedroom onto a large veranda,eventually I would love to semi-close this in to make a room.Like an indoor/outdoor room,and it will be mine,all mine.My scared space :)I will be able to have my altar,my beloved spiritual books,and still have enough room for my sewing cupboard and other important things.
I can't wait the thought of that certainly excites me.I would love to start sewing Witchy stuff its always been my dream,even if they turn into gifts I don't mind:)
Being creative is definitely something everybody should do for there soul,it could be anything,I once even read that having a baby can be termed as being creative:)big task but just an example.I heard the other day that a close friend worked over xmas,he is the owner of his business though he chose to work as he was the only one there,naturally everyone thought he was nuts.Though I could see why,as he his always stuck in the office,being the boss,he never gets the chance to actually work the steel with his hands like he used too,and it occurred to me that when he was a young guy and first started in engineering that was what he used to do, was use his hands to do the work,then slowly over the years as his business grew,his responsibilities was to oversee the business.So I firmly believe that he was just taking the opportunity to be creative,his soul was yearning for him to do this,and that is what he did he stayed in the factory side of the business and made stuff:)
My sister-in-law has not long started to paint,she paints from her soul,she is a very connected spiritually and the stuff she is painting is absolutely beautiful,as she said she feels that no two paintings will ever be the same and I could see that would be right.
I watched the movie Chocolat again last night (I have watched it a bit over the years) because I love the subliminal messages in it,she spent her life creating (all that chocolate yummm,and the real stuff too).Though that movie is a celebration of life to and how we can be repressed by religion and society,and not to feel life,though the lesson is that you can break away and feel.Fantastic messages in this movie,if you have never seen it,make sure you do.Then of course the added bonus is watching that God of a man Johnny Depp,naturally he makes the movie all that more desirable to watch :):):)
Well interestingly I gave this entry the title of "Bored and lacking inspiration",I think I might change that now,as I have actually spent the last half an hour not bored and lacking inspiration at all :) I have created a piece of writing for my journal,that has reminded me that I have indeed nourished my soul and will now go and carry that further into another creative endeavour-getting dinner ready for the family -not exactly what i had in mind-but being creative nonetheless:)

Back Again!

2005-01-02T14:10:39Z

Gee that wasn't long between entries was it-I thought of a few things-like today when my two-yr old looked at the sky and said look Mummy Dragons?where did that come from I wonder-could she really see them:) then the other day my twelve yr old told me not to stay in this house forever,that I have to find land in the woods,so she can bring her children to see me when I'm older.Then the best words of wisdom from my fifteen yr old daughter-why do you stay with Dad if your not happy,and she said as much as she loves us both,she cannot understand why people stay in dysfunctional relationships-well there goes staying together for the children's sake-that is so old anyway :)
Trouble is my husband now professes his love for me and since I told him eight months ago that I did'nt love him anymore and that I loved someone else,he has done a complete turnaround.No more cheating or being an all together asshole,now he's being overbearingly annoying! says he loves me,he's sorry,he never realized what he had until now(seventeen years later-seventeen fuckin years to late!)Now I feel its turned to obsession,I'm a game he has to win,a prize to be held-its so shitty,if he had done this years ago they would have been a chance-but not now-my heart is cold.I feel nothing,I will always respect that he is my children's father but thats it.So now my pain is a different pain-one of him being so close-minded and not respecting the fact that I want to release this relationship.I have told him he should move on and find someone that can nourish his soul,hopefully he has learnt positive things now from this relationship(well hopefully positive)and he could lead a happier existence.I don't wish him ill I just want him to leave,leave so I can grow,he doesn't share my spirituality,I don't hold this against him,I just have now made the decision that I wish to be with a partner who is a like-minded soul.
This situation could quite easily drive me mad,it is constant from him,driving me insane,I feel even now more than ever that he has to go,I feel like I'm being crushed,that he is driving all the energy out of me,draining me,I feel like he has got my body and is wringing and twisting life force out of me-great visualization isn't it :( but thats how I feel.Now for someone who doesn't perform Magick for just any reason-I feel I now have to.Basically because I'am dealing with a cord of energy between us that is now really unhealthy,which will probably lead to sickness,perhaps of body and mind.
During his holidays of the past few weeks he has nearly drank alcohol every day,and while I don't begrudge anyone a drink I know his mind is doing it out of not wanting to face reality,and he would just rather suppress it-all of it-I know I use to do it too,not good for the soul.
I just feel a huge urgency to get on with this,hopefully with the help of the Goddess I can advance and move my soul onto the next part of my journey!

Has time passed that quickly?

2005-01-02T11:15:30Z

I simply cannot believe time has passed that quickly since I last wrote in here,blame it on the silly season.Xmas and New Year came and went :) kids were happy,they received more than there fair share of material abundance! As the years go on I have decided to down play the emphasis on Xmas,and naturally more focus on Midsummer,I will always have some sort of Xmas,(I just can't deny the fact I love to give gifts :)don't care if I don't receive many,just love to give them!)though I did get a beautiful hand made rocking chair from my oldest son which is something I will treasure for the rest of my days :)
Tried to do a Midsummer ritual thingy but that came crashing down in a big heap lol,planned to have it on the beach with my beloved,but the weather was shocking and I felt that the energy was'nt right either,so all our plans went astray! So I suggested we start planning Yule by that time it will be so well planned nothing will stop us lol.Though on the actual Midsummer day,I made a beautiful Pentagram herbal pillow for-well guess :)I was pleased with the way it turned out,though as with anything handmade you learn as you go along and know that next time you would do it better :)so yes had a very 'connecting' time making that-being creative,playing spiritual music,with candles and incense burning-wonderful.
Spent a magickal time with my beloved finally had a chance to be alone,really alone,he certainly takes me to places I have never been before,I'm left feeling ecstatic every time,after we make love words can barely pass my lips-how can something be so divine-sigh-I just love him,kissing him forever and melting into him,I suppose I should stop talking about that now,its too much to think about:)
New Years day saw me at Pagans in the Pub,I have decided that I want to get more involved with the Pagan community,it's something I definately feel that is the right direction for me to take,it feels very comfortable.Looks as though there will be Full Moon Circles held each month in a public place so that anyone can attend,they have been doing up in Sydney for seven years successfully,so that will be really something exciting to see evolve over time.My ritual skills will need some immediate attention though:),I never get the time or space to be completely involved in full ritual.Though I do look forward to it,I just see it as valuable learning,it can only add to your skills in the end,I'm sure I won't be the only one that is apprehensive at first :) I think if you are true to your heart in your intentions,then you can't go wrong.
Caught up with those beautiful Witchy friends of mine,I did'nt really want to go home I must admit,I do like being around like-minded souls :)we also had a minutes silence for the tsunami victims and their loved ones, and thank you to that certain someone who thought of making such a beautiful gesture, it was also impressive that a substantial amount of money was raised as well for the tsunami victims from the Witchy people present :)
Well I guess I should sign off,I could probably go on as I do,but there is too many people around me,I want quiet ahhhhh.

Stormy Summer Weather!

2004-12-10T11:38:28Z

Gorgeous storm is brewing outside,well has been for a few days,though when it comes its going to be divine!I did'nt go to where I was meant to tonight,I feel like I have let myself down a bit,I always do that when I don't end up going to Witchy things.Now I'am sitting here wishing to hell that I had just said to everyone-I'm out of here for a few hours,I know I would have had a nourishing time,damm I'am so going next time!! I have to make the effort on Sunday to venture out,only thing that puts me off there is taking the children,it can get tedious chasing a nearly two year old around a park,so we will see what happens.
I'am soooo wanting to make love at the moment,it must be the weather,when its a hot balmy stormy night its definately fucking weather,lustful,passionate and totally horny,I think when Midsummer is just around the corner it adds to the pent up desire of it all as well,all those hot steamy thoughts its too much,aahhhh.
Those lucky bastards that have their lovers near them,I'm envious,it would be so nice just to go and slide up next to your beloved and make love for hours,god I could cry at that thought,its not bloody fair :(
The day I have it I will never take it for granted,the day when I have my beloved beside me- whoever that may ultimately be :)I will remember to honor it.
You would think being a Witch I would put all this sexual energy to good use would'nt you :)well that just might be in order I think :)I know that being a woman I could probably go out and get a bit if I truly desired :)but it just does'nt appeal to me,for starters I would rather someone who walked the same path as I,its awful but I don't really have much time for people that are'nt conscious spiritually,everyone else just does'nt have that depth and level that appeals to me.So I don't think I could stand for fucking someone that did'nt come from that place,and plus I now believe that the best sexual connection you can have is between someone you love,when its a fuck its as boring as hell.Give me the man that looks into your eyes and fucks you physically and mentally with divine love and heart connection,and thats when you experience PURE BLISS:)
:) :) :)
Well I suppose I should sign off,I really should go and do something really soul nourishing,have a bath,burn some oils,light candles,listen to beautiful haunting music,slowly pleasure myself to near orgasm then stop,start pleasuring again then stop,oh I'm teasing- ohhh no I'am not :) I will do this over and over until I experience an absolutely mind blowing orgasm :) and then send that energy off into the cosmos,hmmm if you can't have the lover near you,it only makes sense to do unto self what you would pleasurably love your lover to do to you,lol :)

Midsummer plans and other delights:)

2004-12-08T03:26:39Z

A bloody cold day has set in,its meant to be summer,weep,weep,and the wanning moon but all is good finished the dammed cleaning and decorating for xmas,just have to finish the weeding n the back corner!I'm really worried about a friend,a Pagan friend I haven't heard from her in weeks,and she has'nt been on the groups,last I heard she wanted me to contact her,which I did then it seems she vanished,very strange I do hope all is well in her world,maybe shes going through a dark phase in her life and needs to be alone and assimilate experiences,I hope I hear from her in the near future she is such a beautiful person who fully comes from her heart.
Theres a few pagan things this weekend which I hope I can get too,then Midsummer is coming up,cannot wait,hopefully I will spend it with my beloved,last year was the most perfect Midsummer seeing Wendy Rule play at a cafe in Brunswick,the night was hot and sultry with a summer storm just DIVINE,I will always remember it,and with the company of some very special people it was perfect!Unfortunately Wendy doesn't seem to be doing something this year so I guess its make our own fun-which I cannot see as being a problem:)yum-the mind goes off thinking of sensual lovemaking :):)
I wish I could have something here for Midsummer,but at the moment I don't think it would work,maybe another Sabbat soon,perhaps Yule next year,gee I'am getting ahead of myself aren't I.They are having wicked discussions over on the Witches of Melbourne,some intelligent on going conversations there,wish I could sometimes jump in with my two cents worth-but I do feel intellectually dumb sometimes,I can think and write about it,just wish the verbal communication was as off the mark-I will blame it on old age :)
Well I guess I should sign off,got things to do :)

Clueless

2004-12-04T13:57:26Z

Finally I have finished the dammed cleaning,and as of about an hour ago finished decorating the house for Xmas! yeah!!!!the kids love it,thats the main thing :)I haven't heard from my beloved for nearly a week now,I don't know sometimes I have to wonder if I'm not wasting my time in giving so much of my heart.I have sent two little notes just to day goodnight over the lasr week-and no reply,it makes me so sad.I wonder does he know how much I miss him,even if he said goodnight at least I would know everything is okay.It is as though he likes to keep me at arms length,says beautiful things to me,then nothing sometimes for weeks,I just don't get it,I honestly don't,I can't figure it out.I know my situation is not the most perfect one at the moment,but how can that stop him from talking to me?I wish sometimes I knew where he was coming from,I know he said to me once that he likes our stolen moments and would'nt make a good partner on a regular basis,but is that really true,he said to me not long ago that he wished we could have come home together.I suppose time will tell,just probably tired of living for the times we get together,and not being able to live life fully present in the now because nine times out of ten I'm thinking of him and how much I would love to be together more in day to day life.Not to live together but be able to come and go freely with each other.
I have nearly weeded and cleaned up the yard never got any bloody help,my body is aching and my back is sunburnt from leaning over to weed :( it was a mammoth task,the weeds have grown so quick,that what I have to remind myself is that we come into this life alone and basically we are alone,that new Greenday song is bloody true,I love that song,I think its called Alone.Thats what I have to still strive toward is oneness-me,I can't rely on anyone else to provide my overall happiness,I just desire arriving at a place where I'm there and have a perfect magickal partner that can compliment that:)
Anyway enough rantings,back soon!

Slack!

2004-11-29T12:13:53Z

I have been slack,slack,slack,I have not written in here for a couple of weeks,just been so busy I guess.At the moment its all systems go for xmas,busy spring cleaning still,its taken me bloody forever this year-had a few distractions :)a few really nice,pleasurable yummy distractions :) :)
Anyway back to the daily grind,its that time of year is'nt it,kids doing the end of year things,one has a graduation,another Year 10 formal,busy,busy.Then there is shopping,taking your fifteen year old daughter clothes shopping turns into hours and hours later,lucky that we are god shoppers together,I tell her what suits her and she appreciates and takes my advice.
With all this concentration on xmas,I'm excited about Midsummer I really want to do something,I would love to invite Pagan friends over-don't know if that will pan out though,have to see what happens.But I do have to start planning soon,its just around the corner.Well I will sign off,other people want to use the computer,I will be back later,in a few days :)(hopefully)